All In One Comedy Tool

--Dad Jokes-- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!" Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta. Why did the math book look so sad? Because it had too many problems. I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! --Comedy Skit-- Title: The Job Interview Time Stamp: 0:00 - Two people are sitting at a table. One person is dressed in a business suit and looks nervous, while the other person is in casual clothes and looks relaxed. 0:10 - The interviewer asks the interviewee to introduce himself. 0:20 - Interviewee nervously introduces himself, stumbling over his words and accidentally mentioning his love for cats. 0:35 - Interviewer smirks and asks if he has any experience in the field. 0:40 - Interviewee tries to make a joke about his experience being "all in the family," but it falls flat. 0:50 - Interviewer asks a serious question, and interviewee responds with a silly joke. 1:10 - Interviewer looks unimpressed and asks another question, and interviewee responds with an even sillier joke. 1:30 - Interviewer looks at the interviewee and says he's not impressed with his answers. 1:35 - Interviewee looks crushed and asks if he can try again. 1:40 - Interviewer agrees and asks a new question, but the interviewee misunderstands it and responds with a joke about potatoes. 2:00 - Interviewer looks at the interviewee and says "I'm sorry, but I don't think you're the right fit for this position." 2:05 - Interviewee looks sad but thanks the interviewer for the opportunity. 2:10 - Interviewer says "Hold on, I have another position that might be perfect for you." 2:15 - Interviewee looks hopeful and asks what it is. 2:20 - Interviewer looks at him with a straight face and says "I need someone to clean my cat's litter box." 2:25 - Interviewee looks shocked and then starts laughing. 2:30 - Interviewer starts laughing too and says "I'm just kidding. We'll keep your resume on file and let you know if anything comes up." 2:40 - Interviewee looks relieved and says "Thank you, I appreciate that." 2:45 - Interviewer smiles and says "Just remember to leave the cat jokes at home next time." 2:50 - Interviewee chuckles and says "Will do." 3:00 - Interviewer and interviewee shake hands, and the skit ends. --Stand Up Comedy Set-- [0:00 - Walk on stage] Hey, how's everyone doing tonight? [wait for applause] Great, great. So, I was driving here tonight and I saw a sign that said "Drink and drive, get your head out of your ass." I mean, talk about mixed messages, right? [0:30] You know, I've been trying to cut down on my drinking lately. It's not going so well. The other day, I poured myself a glass of water and thought, "This would taste better with some vodka in it." [1:00] I'm getting older, and I'm starting to realize that I'm not as cool as I used to be. My teenage daughter told me that I'm the "embarrassing dad." I asked her, "What do you mean?" She said, "You still say 'LOL' out loud." [1:30] I recently went on a diet, but it didn't last very long. I found myself in the grocery store, staring at a bag of kale chips and thinking, "I'd rather die." [2:00] I have a friend who's always posting about his "clean eating" lifestyle on social media. But the other day, I saw him eating a bag of chips in his car. I asked him, "What happened to clean eating?" He said, "Oh, I'm just on a cheat day." I said, "Dude, that's not a cheat day, that's just cheating." [2:30] I've been married for a while now, and my wife still surprises me. The other day, I came home and she was wearing a sexy nurse costume. I said, "Wow, you look amazing. What's the occasion?" She said, "I'm practicing for when you're old and need a nurse." I said, "You know, I could use a sponge bath right now." [3:00] I love animals, but I don't understand people who treat their pets like children. I have a friend who's always posting pictures of his dog on Instagram with captions like, "My baby girl." I'm like, "Dude, you do realize that's a dog, right? It doesn't even speak English." [3:30] I'm not the best with technology. I asked my teenage daughter to help me set up a Twitter account. She said, "Sure, what's your username?" I said, "I don't know, how about '@OldGuyWhoDoesn'tGetIt'?" She said, "That's too long." I said, "How about '@OGWDGI'?" She said, "Dad, that spells 'ogwidgi.'" I said, "Exactly." [4:00] I was watching a cooking show the other day, and the chef said, "I like to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." I thought, "Wow, I've been doing it wrong this whole time. I just drink the wine and order takeout." [4:30] Before I go, I want to leave you with a piece of advice. If you ever find yourself lost in the woods, just remember: moss only grows on the north side of a tree. Or maybe it's the south. I don't know, I always forget. But good luck out there! [5:00 - End of set] Thank you, thank you very much!