I need to explain something incredibly stupid that happened this morning, and I swear to God I know how this sounds. Around 6:40 a.m., I got to the office early because I wanted to finish those reports before everyone started sending Slack messages like raccoons knocking over trash cans. The building was weirdly quiet except for that fluorescent buzzing sound that makes everything feel like a hospital designed by accountants. Anyway, my work PC had been acting slightly cursed for like… a week. Not broken, just emotionally unstable. Chrome tabs opening half a second too late. The fan sounding like it was trying to ascend spiritually. One time the mouse froze while I was looking at a spreadsheet and I genuinely thought I’d had a microstroke. So this morning I decided — stupidly, heroically — to “clean it up.” And this is where things become humiliating. Last night my cousin sent me a link for what he claimed was “an AI productivity plugin that summarizes emails and removes corporate jargon.” Which, in hindsight, already sounds like something invented by a man who drinks pre-workout at midnight. But the website looked weirdly professional. Minimalist design. Blue gradient. Testimonials from people with names like Ethan R. and Melissa T. smiling with folded arms. I downloaded it. Immediately, the screen flickered. Not dramatically at first. Just enough for me to think, “Hm. That feels legally concerning.” Then the antivirus window popped up and disappeared so fast it looked shy. Then the desktop background changed on its own to a photo of a sports car for approximately three seconds. And then — I am not exaggerating — six browser windows opened simultaneously. One was trying to sell me cryptocurrency. One was in Russian. One was playing muffled jazz music from somewhere deep inside the internet like a haunted elevator. At this point I panicked and did what every intelligent adult does under pressure: I clicked random things very quickly. Which made it worse. The PC started overheating like it had opinions. The fans were screaming. Outlook crashed. Teams logged me out. Something called “UltraCleanerPro_FINAL2.exe” appeared on the desktop and I KNOW I did not install anything with that name because it sounds like a fake product from a sitcom. I unplugged the ethernet cable like I was defusing a bomb in a low-budget action movie. And here’s the part that makes me sound fully unwell: I actually wrapped the laptop in my hoodie because I read somewhere heat containment can “slow processes.” I don’t even know if that’s true. I was operating on pure adrenalized folklore. Now I’m sitting here feeling like the office biohazard monkey because I’m terrified I infected the network. I didn’t want to immediately say anything without at least trying to fix it because I already know how this sounds: “Hey boss, sorry, I accidentally unleashed digital smallpox because I trusted a website called productivity-genius-ai.net.” I realize this is deeply idiotic. I also realize this probably sounds like the setup to a cybersecurity training video they make everyone watch during onboarding while eating sad granola bars. But I swear I wasn’t doing anything shady. No weird downloads, no illegal movies, no “hot singles in your area.” Just one catastrophically optimistic decision made before coffee. Right now the PC is sitting on my kitchen table making tiny clicking noises like it’s reconsidering its life choices, and honestly? Same.