Standup Writer

Ladies and gentlemen, how's everyone doing tonight? It's great to be here! So, let's talk about the US presidential election. Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking, "Really? We have to talk about politics? Can't we just stick to something less controversial, like pineapple on pizza?" But don't worry, we're gonna have some fun with this! You know, the US presidential election is like the Super Bowl of politics, except instead of touchdowns, we're counting scandals, and instead of commercials, we get attack ads. But hey, at least we get a halftime show every four years when they debate, am I right? Now, I've noticed something about these debates. It's like watching a rap battle, but with middle-aged politicians. They step up to the mic, and you're just waiting for them to drop some sick burns. I mean, can you imagine if they actually did a rap battle? "I may be from Delaware, but I'm here to say, I'm the best choice for the USA!" I'd pay to see that. But you know, the best part of the election season is the endless stream of campaign promises. They make all these grandiose claims, like they're auditioning for a role in a superhero movie. "I will lower taxes, create jobs, and make everyone's dreams come true!" And then we're all sitting there like, "Yeah, sure, buddy, and I can fly without a cape." And speaking of superheroes, let's talk about those campaign ads. Have you noticed how they always have these dramatic voiceovers? "In a world where your healthcare is in jeopardy, one candidate will fight to protect it." I half-expect them to start playing the "Avengers" theme music. But come on, guys, it's just politics, not a summer blockbuster. Now, let's not forget about the debates themselves. They're like a high-stakes game of "Two Truths and a Lie." The candidates try to outdo each other with the most shocking stories. "I once wrestled a grizzly bear with my bare hands. And by the way, I have a plan to fix the economy." Like, okay, I'm impressed by the bear thing, but what's your plan for student loans? And can we talk about the fact-checkers? They're like the referees of the debates, throwing flags left and right. "False claim! Pants on fire!" It's like a game of "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire," and let's be honest, they're all wearing pants! But you know what really gets me? The election night coverage. They've got those giant touch screens, fancy graphics, and reporters running around like they're covering a zombie apocalypse. "Breaking news: Ohio is too close to call! We need to send in the experts!" It's like they're trying to make election night more dramatic than the latest episode of "Game of Thrones." Now, don't get me wrong; I love democracy. It's the best system we've got. But every four years, it feels like we're on a rollercoaster ride with no seatbelts. We scream, we laugh, and sometimes, we even cry. But in the end, we all come together because we care about the future of this country. So, folks, let's remember to laugh a little during this election season. After all, laughter is the best way to cope with the craziness of politics. And if all else fails, just remember that in four years, we get to do it all over again. Thank you, and let's keep the comedy alive in democracy! Goodnight, everyone!